My Scribble Pad

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

The Morning Jog

It had become a routine for him to see her gazing at nothing facing the sea every single day when he went jogging. He wondered what must be on her mind that made her come every single day to the very same spot and immerse her eyes into the blue sea and gaze into nothingness.

He tried to read her eyes sometimes while catching a breath or two during his jog. Was she sad, was she lonely, was she bored or was she simply soaking herself in the pleasant feeling of sea side early in the morning.

It was the same routine for over a year so much so her sight became a habit for him. Until one fine morning she was not there at the usual spot. He was surprised and wondered the reason why? Was she sick ? Must have gone out of the city or was she plain tired of doing the same thing for a year. It was then he tried to think about her , beyond the picture he saw every day of her standing at the sea side. He wondered if she was married or if she had any kids ? He wondered is she worked somewhere? Quiet frankly he was a bit irritated and disappointed that she was not there as usual. He was so used to her there. Sudden guilt crept over him for the fact the he never attempted to atleast get to know her name or say a casual hi as others always do.

With these thoughts racing through his mind he decided to get a cup of coffee from the coffee shop across the street. He went up to the counter and ordered a cup of creamy cappuchino and paid for it. As he sipped the creamy coffee he realized that he was addicted to her just as he was addicted to the cup of coffee he had on his hand.

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Monday, August 22, 2005

Fresh

Aarti could smell the crispy fresh smell of the sheets as she rested my head on the pillow she felt was being transported to heaven. Lying there on her bed she wondered if this the one experienced the bliss of paradise.Mondays were never Aarti's day it always gave a feeling of beginning of a endless tiring journey. But the only thing she looked forward to on Mondays are when the bed linens are taken out for laundry and fresh clean crisp linens are spread across the bed.


Turning her face to the pillow she could smell the floral smell of detergent mixed with a tinge of the smell of the sunlight under which it was dried. The bed was cold and cozy and it proved to be a absolute heaven from the afternoon scorching sun outside. Aarti was relaxed and comfortable on her bed. But she knew that this comfort is a short lived one and it is not going to be the same at the end of the day and it will get worst for days to come during the week.


This bed has been her companion for over six months now, ever since the car accident left her paralyzed below the hip. Initially doctors gave some hope that there would be improvement with continuous physiotherapy and some amount of exercise and medication but as the months passed the doctors words of encouragement seem hollow and hopeless to her Aarti herself lost hopes ever getting out her bed. Last month Doctors have diagnosed that her liver function is weak and its condition will worsen since the accident had damaged its functions. She knew that that cannot be chained to the bed any longer. In days her liver will give up on her and all that will be left will be her body which began the processing of decomposition long before life parted from itself.


For now she wanted to soak in the feeling of freshness she hasn't felt in many days.

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Friday, August 19, 2005

Dirty Dancing


She looked at her watch , it was 3.45 am. Malini inserted the keys in the key hole opened the door cautiously, afraid that the doors screeching noise might wake up the neighbors. Once inside she went to the fridge and took out a bottle of water and gulped it down as though she has been thirsty for a decade. Then she went to the bathroom to scrub herself of all the dirt in the body. She wanted to scrub off the smell of smoke and tobacco which was stuck to her like a second layer of skin. She didn't want to leave a trace of the place she came from. She quickly started removing the make up on her face which was useless in concealing her visibly dark circles under her eyes. She despised her job more especially at such times when she looked at herself in the mirror.

Looking at her reflection she pitied the today remembering the yesterday when she came to Mumbai with innocence and dreams of becoming a model in her eyes. But life in Mumbai showed no mercy. With no one of the fashion industry to guide her or refer her she rocked between one agency to the other, some of them asking for enormous amount of commission other were more interested in getting her to bed. Finally when she ran out of money and was not able to pay her rent and was almost about to be thrown out of her pg accommodation , a girl in the same chawl introduced her to Anna the owner of the Bar who readily gave the job to her. Soon she was dancing to the tune of the latest Hindi masala songs feeding the hunger of sick minded men who never wasted a chance to take advantage of her flesh. But this was the only option she found to keep herself from dying of starvation.

Malini lived in a apartment located in a fairly conservative middle class society. She had told the landlord that she works for a hospital as a night nurse so she took extra care to make sure that her didn't arouse any suspicion of the neighbors about her dirty secret.

As Malini wiped off the bloody red lipstick from her lips, she wished to wipe out the guilt inside as easily as the smudged lipstick from her lips. She doubted if she ever will be able to live free of guilt that haunted her ever time she saw her reflection on the mirror.

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Thursday, August 18, 2005

A Journey

She looked out of the window of the car and was lost in thoughts. Thoughts which infested her like a spreading cancer killing her as ever second passes by. Her mind popped a zillion questions in a single second. She definitely knew something went wrong in those 37 minutes between the last 2 phone calls she got from him. She wanted to know what made him cold and soulless in a matter of minutes. Was it something she had said? Is it something at work ? Or Is it something much bigger than all these? She raked her mind to come up with some thing but all she could find was questions and more questions.

She cursed the day she met him for the first time. Despite her intuitions blaring red signals telling her that this friendship is going to end in a way she would never want. Its not that she ignored her inner voices, she tried to keep him at an arms length, she avoided him in the cafeteria, when he came and sat next to her to have lunch she didn't get into any small talks instead ate the food silently. And even told him directly that she would like to spend her lunch break alone when he tried to accompany her for a walk after lunch. But destiny had something else in store. He was the last person in the world she wanted to bump into on her b'day at the mall. Their meeting ended up with a quiet dinner in a fairly decent restaurant, the chemistry between them was so instant that they ended up talking late into the night until the restaurant was about to close. Since then there were countless hours of conversation about sweet nothings. And everything seems so normal when until today. What could it be ? Why did it happen this way? These questions haunted her restless mind. She wanted let her helplessness and frustration out but How? Who would understand her state of mind?

The car stopped with a screech in front of her house and she jerked back to present, a present without him and hoped hopelessly to live in the past forever.




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Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Cleaning the Clutter in Life

So after decades I finally cleaned my wallet. This is one thing which I never clean cause I always have this feeling that all the knick knacks I shove in it might come handy some time or the other and yeah it has been so sometimes but rarely.


So what did I find in my wallet? Well first a huge bundle of ATM slips dating back to my grandfather's time. Ok I am exaggerating it a bit too much but realistically I had ATM slips dating back to Jan 05 ...... Jan 05 ?? What the heck is it gona be of any help to me ????


Well moving on, I found a bill for the shoe I purchased back in February this year.... (what was I thinking that the shoe had a 1 year warranty?). then some bus tickets (just incase if I had a change in profession and became a bus conductor) , food bazaar bills (I don't even know what was I thinking at the time I decided to save it, probably I was thinking of creating a fossil out of it ) , food coupons which have expired (don't ask me) etc etc....

Why I am I holding on these things ???? Surely there is no emotional attachment to any these stuff. It makes me wonder how difficult it is to let go off things we have accumulated over the years and find it impossible to dispose it off.

For example when I went to visit my grandmother last after 11 long years I saw a rag cloth which was a curtain when I last visited her 11 years back. I was glad that the piece of cloth was demoted from a curtains status to a rag piece.


My mom has treasured one of my dolls - those which used to open and closed its eyes, and also cry and laugh. The state of the doll is beyond my explanation - its stuffing has lost its fluff and most of the stuffing is not even there, so the doll just has a layer of a piece of cloth to be called its body. Some how its looks like the evil sister of Chunky the evil doll in "Childs play".


I used to collect all types of cards - b'day, xmas, valentines day, friendships day, than friendship bands, glittered stickers with those messages like "I miss U" and stuff, pens ( I am still crazy abt stationery), fancy note pads and many other stuff when I was in school and a bit of junior college too. But finally I got over the habit as I was pursuing a life of vagabond for sometime.

(I know u must be thinking that this is hereditary)

Although I have learned to discard materialistic clutter I am yet to learn to discard the emotional clutter. Its a very difficult task which I am trying to learn as best as I can because I feel its human tendency to carry emotional baggage every time and every where.
But the point is why is it so hard to let of the baggage especially when it is gona make one feel better and live better ??? I guess humans are programmed this way.

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